Endometriosis: My Disease Defines Me

My disease defines me. I have come to this realization today, when I have already decided before noon that I will have to skip the afternoon workout. Or slight it to be just an easy bike ride around the block, if possible. And then I thought about it, my life and how this disease makes me who I am. When I wake in the morning and sit on the bed with my feet on the floor to get up and start the day, the first thought is… "Am I in pain this morning?" and the rest of the day will be according to the answer to that question. Including what pants I wear that day. It makes me decide whether to take the stairs or the elevator. I work in the medical field; it makes me more sensitive to patients with chronic pain. It makes me a more sympathetic person to those who are sick. It also determines my diet. Certain foods, like gluten products, caffeine, and chocolate irritate my pain and make it less tolerable on a daily basis. It makes me get out of bed and practice yoga and ride my stationary bike for a quick 10 minutes to pump endorphins through my body to get me through the workday. My disease also is the deciding factor in my own health care choices. Like what vitamins and supplements I take and what herbal teas I drink. My disease makes me look to the future and act compulsively instead of planning things. It has taught me that if I feel good today, I should be active today, not put off going somewhere or doing something for a later date. I will likely have to cancel that day due to the pain. It makes good days seem like great days, and can make a bad day last forever. It makes me appreciate those who are understanding to my unique situation all that much more. And yes, I think it is unique, because though I knowI am far from being alone in this struggle, I am also the only person I know, and the only person my friends and family know with this illness. It is incurable. And it makes me want to be 20 years older for my next birthday. It makes me more understanding to other people with afflictions I don't have, or don't know anyone else with. It makes me more gentle and patient with the children I am around, knowing that having my own, one day could be less of a reality than I would like to acknowledge. Even as I sit here at my desk, typing this, the pain is a dull and constant throb in my lower right pelvic region. As soon as I stand it will migrate across to the other side and become stronger. And no one looking at me knows it. Because I still look healthy on the outside, but my body wages awar constantly, even while I sleep, to try to correct a problem that biologically it cannot fix. This leaves me exhausted, but I just look to others like I've had a long day at work. . .
And so finally this disease makes me an optical illusion.